Note - I

I’ll always regret having missed capturing you in the most waning frames of life. The smallest of moments that I wish I could’ve had a glimpse of; a small-little life in the tiniest of moments that I wanted to live around you.

Amongst the ardent of wishes, there was a wish to watch you tying a tie, a wish to hear you hum a song, a wish to catch you engrossed in an important conversation, a wish to see you break into a jig, a wish to watch you sign your signature, a wish to see you reacting to a toddler, a wish to watch you busy finding something, a wish to see you eating your supper, a wish to observe you selecting a t-shirt, a wish to see you looking into the mirror…

Amongst the ardent of wishes, there was a wish to hold you in every passing moment possible, for I don’t miss what I lived with you anymore, but I miss what I couldn’t live with you ever.

The Meeting - I

‘Ragini Vyas?’
Ragini turned, stirred from her trance like reveries.

A round bespectacled face, framed by neatly cropped salt and pepper hair held her gaze. It didn't take even a second for her to recognize it; she had breathed those particular set of features day in and day out for more than 30 years now.

‘Massey…’ she said almost in a whisper, flustered by this unexpected encounter with him. He smiled broadly, nodding, looking at her straight in the eyes.

They shook hands.

‘You recognized, huh? Guess age hasn't rubbed much on me’ he chuckled, sitting next to her on the stone bench that faced the sea.
‘Just the way you recognized me’, she said smiling, trying to recover from the sudden jolt of seeing him after 30 long years.
‘Wouldn't have, but then I recognized you by that’ he said, pointing at her wrist.
‘ohh..’ she covered her wrist with her other hand, as if to shield it from his piercing gaze.

They looked at each other, smiling awkwardly, exchanging a silent minute to let the 30 years of absence sink in. She could sense his eyes all over herself, he was carefully taking in the older version of the lady he dated a couple of decades ago.

‘So, how come you are here?’ he asked, easing out the awkward moment.
‘And you look old by the way!’ he spoke again, without waiting for her reply, making her conscious for a split second. ‘But then you always looked old for your age…budhiya!’ he finished that in the same breath, from formal to the crass lingo that they used while talking years ago.

She looked at him perplexed, wondering how to react to it, and the disguised mischief on his poker face did it. She burst out laughing, all at ease in an instant.

‘Yeah, I’ve turned all the more budhiya while you are still in the spring of your age, right?’
‘Oh ask me about it! One needs to be young at heart and it just reflects you know’ he said winking.

She chortled while noticing him in a fleeting glance.
He looked better than ever. Fit body, dapper appearance, a glow of contentment on face that reflected a good, happy life over the years.
She always knew he’ll age well.

‘You still in love with this place, eh?’ he asked, looking at the vast expanse of sea ahead.
‘Yeah, couldn't think of a better place when it came to retiring. I've shifted here.’ She said.
‘Oh..shifted. Like with family?’
She took a moment to reply to it.
‘Yes, sort of. My son left for Ladakh 2 years back.’
‘Ladakh?’ his tone couldn't conceal the surprise.
She nodded, looking at the sea ahead. ‘Depsang Valley’, she said.
‘Don’t tell me! Defence services?’ he asked, amused.
‘Yes, serving with the Indian Army’, she said with the kind of pride that only a mother of a soldier can exude, looking at him confidently for the first time, smiling a happy mother's smile.

Massey took a second to absorb that fact. The glint in her crinkled eyes, the pride in her otherwise feeble voice and the subtle confidence in her frail, aging poise was hard to ignore. He wondered what kind of a mother she must have made.

'Poor lad…did you give him a choice?', he asked teasingly.
‘No’, she laughed, picking the brazen sarcasm.
'So you! Still have a thing for soldiers, huh?' he chuckled.
'Always! They are my favorites.' She grinned.

He felt good to see her happy.

'What about your husband? asked Massey. 'You guys must be...' his voice trailed off mid-sentence when a bunch of chirpy teenagers flocked around Ragini.
She pepped up instantly at their sight.

'Heyy Rags! We knew we'll find you here' said a girl dressed in an over-sized t-shirt and denim shorts.
'Hey..what happened? You guys were looking for me?' Ragini asked holding the girl's palm and acknowledging the rest of the lot, warmly.
'Yes, we went to the cafe first, but then Bodhi said you left early today' said a geeky looking, lanky guy from the group. 'We were wondering about John Green's latest one...did you manage to get any copies?' asked the girl in shorts, expectantly.
'Of course I did! Didn't I promise I'll get a few this time around' said Ragini brightly.
'Yayyyy!' the group cheered unanimously.
'I've got them in the cafe itself, let's go and get it for you guys right away' she said standing up.

The kids had not really acknowledged Massey's presence all this while. They were too engrossed in their own sweet business.
Ragini turned to Massey who too had stood up by now.
'Got to go...it was nice to see you after all these years' she said wondering if her expressions gave away the eternal joy that she experienced in that moment for having met him, talked to him.
'I run a small cafe here, just around the corner' she said gesturing at the end of the road. 'Drop in sometime if you are in the city for another few days. Our cold coffee is pretty popular amongst the college crowd here, you must try it.' she said smiling silly. He understood the point that she was trying to make; he loved cold coffee back then, he loved it still. Not really surprised to realize that she still remembered the minute details about him.
'If it's about cold coffee then I've got to come, no matter what' he said purposely, laughing off the supposed seriousness.

She laughed along, slinging her jute bag on her shoulder.
'We'll be happy to serve you' she said.
They both rocked on their heels for a second, each skeptical on how to say a 'proper' casual good bye.

Hug..? Handshake..?
None.

She clutched her bag's handle a little tightly and nodded, 'See you around then...take care.' He nodded back smiling, 'Sure, take care you too.'

And she walked away to join the kids' group.

He looked at her walking away. Her small frame seemed all the more small in comparison to the tall and average height-ed kids. The once beautiful, auburn shoulder length curls had now reduced to pure grey pixie cut. Her well starched cotton saree, simple leather slippers and jute bag faintly reflected the lady he dated 30 years ago.

Staring back at the gurgling sea ahead, feeling the cool Pondicherry breeze on his skin, he sensed deja vu all over again. It was the same beach road they had walked together years ago as a couple, and it was the same beach road where they met today as acquaintances, years after.

Lovers to acquaintances, youth to seniority, grudges to amnesty, everything between them seemed to have matured into a harmonious medley. But then why was that harmony echoing chaos, he wondered.

If only he knew how chaotic harmony at times could be!

The Walk

Massey kept holding her from tripping. High on her generous vodka spree, she was swaying while walking on her wobbly feet. Massey looked around the desolated road they were trudging on but, expecting a mode of  transport at 2 o'clock in the morning was rather senseless. Moreover, it wasn't too bad; the experience of walking on the quaint pavements of beach road with the beautiful blue-black sea gurgling at occasional intervals at one side.

Pondicherry looked magical at night. The vast expanse of sparsely populated areas against a deep blue sky and a breathtakingly beautiful sea could cast an enchanting spell on anyone's senses. 

Rags maintained the trippy-tizzy walk with Massey by her side while mumbling some incomprehensible stuff to herself.

'Huh?' asked Massey. 'You said something?'
Rags nodded while looking down at the road.
'You love me...?' she asked.
'Do you doubt that?' he chuckled.
She stopped, turned around and stood in front of him. Her petite frame glowed under the yellow-orange street light. Massey couldn't help noticing just how beautiful she looked in that moment. Her auburn curls accentuated by the soft light from the street lamp above, gleaming glassy eyes and a curved mouth made a picture perfect frame.

Tip toeing on her feet she stretched herself to her maximum height, managing to reach just around Massey's chest. He held her close by her waist; his fingers fitting snugly between her bare waist curve and the hem of her cropped cotton top.

She looked up at him, taking in every bit of his chiseled features,
'Say you love me..'
He smiled, removed a strand of wild, curly hair from her face and cradled her waist in both his arms, 
'I love you...' he said kissing her forehead.
'Say you'll love me with alllll your heart', she said.
'I'll love you with alllll my heart', he repeated.
'Say you love everything about me...' she said.
'Yeah I do, less when you go ballistic though' he said matter-of-factly.
'Who asked you about your inputs?' she frowned. 'Shut up and repeat after me!'
Massey squeezed her gently and repeated 'I love everything about you.'
'Say you wont leave me ever, no matter what..'
'Wont leave you ever, no matter what.'
'Say you'll be okay with all my mood swings..'
'I'll be okay with all your mood swings.'
'Say you'll pull me up from the dark la-la land that I end up in so often...'
'I will pull you up from the dark la-la land that you end up in so often Rags, I promise, I will.'
She stared at him for one long minute and then said, 'Kiss me..'

He smiled inwardly. In one smooth movement he sweeped her off the ground to bring her to his head's height. Face against face, her arms around his neck, he spoke on her lips,
'You are an amusing little thing girl..' and kissed her. 
Kissed her like it was the very last moment that they were sharing together, like there was no tomorrow for them, like it was his only chance to clear all her doubts about his love for her. Kissed her like that kiss was meant to last forever.

The Conversation

'In love?' She repeated his words.
He nodded while looking at her, trying to assess her frame of mind.
'...I don't know…' she said in a frail voice, conscious of his gaze on her. She took a deep breath and propped herself up to sit straight and face him in the eye now.

‘I don’t understand it…the term – love...I mean, how does one know that it is love and not a fleeting case of infatuation?  It is strong, very strong whatever that I feel for you but, ‘love’...I don’t know…it might just fade tomorrow, you never know…how can it be love then…..’ she again almost lost her voice while saying that. Choked, she was.

It took all her strength to keep her voice from quivering and speaking again
‘…I was supposedly in love earlier also but…one morning I got up and it was all over for me…it was most definitely love but then, how could it possibly die out so abruptly…but it did…just like that…It wasn’t supposed to happen that way you know…'

His gaze on her intensified as he tried to read between the lines.
She looked away from his boring eyes and went on again 'It’s a fact, you are on my mind 24x7…there is not even a single second in the day that I don’t think about you…I don’t know how, when, in which moment I allowed you to ingrain so deeply in my being that now, you’ve become the nucleus of my existence…uninvited, unconsciously and unintentionally…its…its just…you know - too much, too soon…’

The irritation in her voice was just too apparent, she didn’t like whatever she was speaking. ‘I look for you in others…hear your name in others names…match their facial features with you…the bits of habits, personalities that reflect you….its like trying hard to solve a jigsaw puzzle...matching, framing, arranging, rearranging and then never getting it right…..’

She looked at him helplessly.
‘I feel like a slave for having my moods sway to the way you treat me…....you’ve rendered me useless! And I don’t like it…I just don’t like this dependency…this, this sense of losing myself in you….’
He was hearing her patiently.

‘For the short span of time that I’ve known you, the intensity of this height is odd…very, very odd... and it can definitely not be ‘love’..! It is not.’
She said firmly with a hint of rationality in her voice.

He nodded, the air had cleared for him.

The Longing

I miss you. Miss your comforting presence in my everyday life, I miss it. I miss your honest smile, miss your hearty laughter, your fuming anger, that irritated expression of yours over silly things, I miss it. I miss walking with you under the moonlit sky, waking up to your warm breathing against the back of my neck, I miss it. I miss sitting next to you sharing the silence, miss fighting with you at the top of our voices, the intense break ups, loving kiss and make ups, I miss it. I miss learning to make cigarette smoke rings by you on the terrace, those heart-to-heart conversations over rum and vodka glasses, I miss it. I miss the possessive feel of your hands over my bare body, your throaty whispers in my ear, those passionate love making moments, I miss it. I miss standing on your feet and walking, miss being scooped up by you in a sudden hug, dangling feet in the air with arms woven around your neck, I miss it. I miss dressing up for you, miss making efforts to impress you by cooking and baking recipes, I miss it. I miss your protective presence while crossing a busy road, treating me with an instinctive chivalry for just being a woman, I miss it. I miss resting my head against your strong chest after a hard day's work, the feel of your kiss on my tresses, the sense of security that you brought in the ring of your arms, I miss it.

I miss you Massey, in every form of yours, I miss you.

I miss us, in every form of being us, I miss us.

---- Rags

The Birthday Celebration

'Babe, you are 5 down...way beyond your limit, you sure  you want another one?' He asked looking at the visibly dizzy state of hers. 'Of course! That's what I am here for...to have as many drinks as I want.' She looked at the waiter and signaled him to serve the drink. Waiter looked at Massey inquisitively, clueless about the order that he was carrying - a large vodka and a small rum. Massey picked both the glasses and placed the vodka before her while making sure his glass didn't draw her attention; he was not supposed to drink at all that evening as the part of the deal they shared before hitting the popular resto-bar they were sitting in. It was her birthday and they were there to chuck out one of her wishes from the Top-Ten-Things-To-Do-Before-Dying List - Getting Sloshed.

She craned her upper half to look into the vodka glass from top, the curly hair making a thick round curtain around the rim, then she looked up at the palely lit ceiling lamp hanging above her head. She repeated the gesture twice, bemused, asked Massey 'Dude, why is this light above not reflecting in my glass?' Smiling at the silly question, he swirled his drink took a sip and bowed forward over the table as if to share a secret. He replied in a whisper, 'They switch off the light every time you peep into the glass'. She too leaned over the table to hear him clearly.  'They who?' she asked. 'These bar  people' he said in a hush. She concentrated hard on what was being told to her and with as much logic as could apply in her dazed state, she asked intently,  'That waiter who served us, is he switching it off?'. 'I guess' he said with a nod to end the topic. Massey laid back in his chair again and looked at his watch. It was half past ten and he was now wondering about dropping Rags back at her hostel that allowed entry only till 11:00 o'clock at night.

'Oieeeeeeeeeeee!!' The sudden shrill startled him from his thoughts. Rags was at her blaring best with her hands on her hips and a furious expression, she yelled at the waiter who was serving at a table at the other side of the hall. The waiter turned and so did everybody else in the hall. She signaled the waiter to come at their table. Massey by now understood what was to unfold next and thus, he tried to give her a piece of his mind, 'Rags, relax! Stop creating a scene here, you are too drunk to handle yourself...come on now we are leaving.' he said while getting up. Rags did not budge even the slightest from her stance and in the meantime the waiter too arrived at their table. 'Yes ma'm?' he asked politely. 'You moron! how dare you switch off this light here!' she snapped her fingers and pointed at the ceiling lamp above her.
'Nobody switched it off ma'm, its been on all the while' he said.
'YOU THINK AM A FOOL?' she snarled 'Does it go off on its own when I look into my glass?' wide eyed she asked, trying hard to control the slur in her speech.
'Huh?' waiter turned to Massey for help, not able to understand what was he being reprimanded for.

By now every eye in the hall had turned in their direction. Massey gestured the waiter to clear the table and get the bill while he held Rags by her waist from back and gently rubbed her head before whispering in her ear, 'Babe, enough now...lets go'. She shrugged him away, irritated to see the waiter picking up things from their table she pounced back at him, 'Keep that glass down and dare you switch off the light this time!' she howled again. Waiter put both the glasses back on the table while Rags sat on her chair again. As she readied herself to look into the vodka glass again, she noticed the other glass on the table which still had a bit of rum in it. Bewildered, she screeched 'Masseyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!'. 'Yes woman?' he asked coolly while collecting the bill and signing the payment receipt. She turned to find him standing at her back -
'YOU PROMISED YOU WOULDN'T DRINK!'
'I didn't' he said.
'What is this then?' she asked holding the glass up in his face sloppily.
'Oh, that was just one drink baba..relax..come we'll go home now' he said squeezing her shoulder gently as a cue for her to move.But far from understanding any cue or command, she whined again -
'You promised! you promised you wouldn't drink...'
'Whewww..it was just one drink sweetheart, ok..I am sorry?'
'But you promised...'
'Yeah, that's why - I am sorry...come lets go home and then we'll sort this out..ok? come..'
'NO! you take it out first!'
'Take out what???'
'The rum that you had'
'Ok, and how do I do that?'
'I don't know..puke or pee in this glass, right away!'
'Huh?'
'PUKE or PEE...NOW!'
That followed peals of laughter from everybody around who was engrossed in Rags and Massey's conversation courtesy her loud shrilly voice. Massey too couldn't help laughing. Baffled at everyone's reaction Rags lost all the fire that she had. Tears started rolling down her eyes for she found everyone mocking at her including Massey.

'Hey!' Massey tried hugging her but she pushed him away.
'Baba stop crying..!' he again tried holding her but to no avail.
'Ok would you just move from here at least?'
She sulked and shook her head in an adamant no but before she could realize, her body was dangling in Massey's arms who had picked her up and was walking out of the bar.

Random - By Rags

15/07/2013

Dear Diary,

At times I wonder how you soak in everything that I have to say, so gracefully. Good, bad, silly, fun, mean every single emotion is received with thorough patience and maturity. Though the exchange rate between us is unfair, for you remain just as blank as the very first time I started scribbling my thoughts on you. Over the time you've recorded some of my deepest secrets and vulnerabilities that I've never allowed anyone else to see but what do I know about you? Nothing..absolutely nothing. Every single day I turn a fresh page in you with the hope of stumbling onto a long forgotten quote, couplet, scribble, phrase, anything that could let me get a glimpse of what lies in the depths of those blank pages but, my luck never favors me.

Though no complaints, as returning to you with a bundle full of cryptic thoughts is like coming home to a place I've known...a warm welcoming comfort zone where all those puzzled thoughts can be arranged or at-least poured out to lighten the soul.

So with the hope of finding something about you amidst those bright blank pages someday, I take your leave for the day..will see you soon; hopelessly addicted to you.

Yours
Pen-pal

From Rags, With Love

For each word of yours, I am a plain recorder

For each thought of yours, I am an avid reader

For each expression of yours, I am a keen analyzer

For each excuse of yours, I am a blind believer

For each interest of yours, I am a curious tracker

For each look of yours, I am an expectant perceiver

For each lie of yours, I am a deliberate dimwitter

For each truth of yours, I am an obliged receiver

For each bit that makes you - 'you', I am my very me

For that completes the story in every sense - you being you & me being me.

The Departure

She kept sitting rooted against the bedpost looking at him packing his stuff as quickly as possible. He was running out of time yet it was hard to ignore the discreet composure with which he was managing those quick hand movements and paces back and forth across the room. 'Rags, come on wind up your stuff, quickly!'  he said while shoving the last set of clothes into his backpack and looking at the white wedding gown lying on the bed carelessly.

'Rags..?' He turned to look at her..tears started streaming down her eyes again..he let out an exasperated sigh and rushed to pile up her things in her travel bag. By now he had given up on making efforts to calm her down, she had been crying every now and then for past three days. No amount of words seemed to instill faith in her...she was being just as difficult as always.

He packed the wedding dress carefully along with the jewelry box that carried those beautiful platinum earrings that he had got her yesterday. Putting both of it inside her bag, he fished for other belongings of her that lay strewn all over his room. In next ten minutes he was done with packing both of theirs stuff and was all set to move.

She still sat entrenched in the corner with a blank expression. Nothing seemed to lay on her ear or mind to respond. All that she understood and did know was that he was going...going for an indefinite period.

He looked at her expectantly. 'Lets move?' he asked. Tears started rolling down her face again. The fear of losing him written all across her face. He knew it just too well what she was going through and it was difficult for him as well to see her in such despair but, he couldn't do anything; his duties towards his nation refrained him from staying back with his beloved fiancee.

Time was ticking away but then he was bound to make another, probably the last attempt to console her. He sat next to her, pulled her close to make her sit on his lap..she did and like always, her petite frame fitted in well against his staunch, stout body. One arm around her waist, the other wiping her tears and arranging her crazy wild curls behind her ear, he looked in her eyes that were swollen by now after bouts of crying, face red with the sudden rush of blood following his touch. She looked up at him and with a child like innocence asked what she had asked him a million times before in last three days - 'You'll come back, right?' 

He was at a loss of words for, he too was clueless about future but, there was faith and a passionate will to come back to her for lifelong togetherness; the sole reason to defy all odds with utmost ferocity. He pulled her closer and as if in an attempt to answer all her doubts, his lips found hers. A slow intense kiss that grew deeper with every passing second. He wanted to seep in deep in her and convey her his innermost belief that they will be toghether; he'll come back to stay with her forever. While for her, the time had freezed in the moments that she was savouring right then. His warmth, his presence, his love and the assurance that he was only with her and nobody else in the world at that point in time was beyond mere satisfaction.

It felt like eternity and then gently he held her hand and rolled the engagement band that he had slipped on her finger just 4 months back..'I'll come back'.. He held her finger up, still rolling the engagement band and showing it to her - 'This, will bring me back.' A smile at last crossed her face. She had no other option but to hold onto his faith and so she tried to.

Composing herself, she held him once again in one tight embrace and kissed him behind his ear before finally getting up to leave for the airport.